How has another month gone by? I find myself wondering that a lot. The days seem to be so long but the weeks so quick. I am learning that is true of life… many long days, long shifts at work, long struggles, yet time seems to go by and those struggles begin to feel so small compared to the next. As a child I was taught that the Lord cared about the little things just as He does the big things in our lives and I really feel like I am learning what it is like to rely on Him in ALL things. I want to take you back to a week in April where I learned again that the Lord so clearly had my best interest in mind… that He is good and that He is for me. I have told you that since December that is something that I struggled with and I think Satan knows that all too well. Anyway… Easter rolled around and thankfully we were able to spend the weekend with my family. Jerry played golf with all of the guys and I was able to spend some time with my sister, nieces, mom and grandmother… it was just a sweet time, really the first time I feel like we really got out and participated in life again. Crazy how hard that can get when you are grieving.
As a side note… when we were in the hospital after having John Gabriel we were very open and honest and we both were on the same page that we would start trying to get pregnant sooner rather than later… that we felt like we had so much love to give and we knew the Lord would bless us with another baby when He willed…. In the end that is all we have ever prayed for. So as March rolled around I remember going to see our midwives just to check in. They were so precious to us during this time, sending texts and seeing us just to check in on how we were doing, coping and healing. We had been given the green light to start trying whenever we were ready. I began to pray that the Lord prepare mine and Jerrys' heart for His timeframe… for His will and that I would rest easy in that and not get consumed with any part of the process. Our last follow- up appointment I remember telling one of my midwives that I didn’t know what was going on with my body… I had my cycle in March but my body was just out of whack or something and she assured me that it was common to be irregular for a while after giving birth. I had taken a few pregnancy tests just out of curiosity but everything had been negative. Sitting in the Tenebrae service at my grandparents’ church on Good Friday I remember telling my Aunt that I would wait and test again that Sunday, which was Easter because at this point I thought something might be wrong with me. If you haven’t ever gone to a Tenebrae service, they are really neat… It takes place 3 days prior to Easter and represents the darkest days and events of Christ’s death. The service is dark both physically and emotionally… and in every way I felt that it represented our lives for the 3 months prior…
But Easter was coming… the day of the resurrection, the day of hope and the day of promise and a future. I remember posting this on that very day… the hope that I felt was so very refreshing. So that Sunday, getting ready for church I took another test, but again it was negative. I was honestly okay… I knew that I trusted the Lord and that our day of Hope, just like I felt on Easter was coming. Another week went by and it was Sunday again and I was 9 days late, day 37 of my cycle and I asked my sweet husband if I should take another test. I was trying not to get discouraged, but I also was concerned that my body was not functioning properly so he said ok, last one. And much to my surprise the faintest pink line started to appear. The Lord blessed us with ‘Sunday’, with that same hope and reminded us that He was good and He was for us.
I had told my sister in the days following our boys’ burial that I didn’t know how I would make it through Christmas the next year, and then John Gabriel’s first birthday. I wasn’t sure how I would literally get through the moments or the days… and honestly that is still really scary and hard to even think about… but the Lord knew. Please hear my heart when I say that being pregnant with this baby in no way takes away our pain, or longing for our son. It honestly makes me sad that this baby will never know its big brother on this earth… but you better believe that it will grow up knowing that one day we will get to see John Gabriel when we meet him in heaven. So, just 9 days before our son’s first birthday we are due to have our second baby (12/17/2018). The Lord has been faithful to us during this time, and we are thankful to share the hope and joy that He has given to us yet again.
We are sharing to ask for your prayers as we carry this sweet baby for 3 more months. As you can imagine as we approach our due date our fear and anxiety is very real. Regardless, we will trust in the Lord and remain steadfast and firm on His promises. We love you friends.
I wanted to add.... Many of you my sweet friends are waiting so sweetly for that day when you get confirmation that the Lord has given to you what He has promised... for your Sunday... Never- ever lose hope, trust in Him and know that you are seen and so very much prayed for.
I’ll upload some fun videos and updates on the pregnancy thus far in the near future.